


Spotlight on Center Stage

by dehtrash



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana stage manages/Assistant directs, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Connor does lighting, Evan's an incredible singer, Highschool theatre AU, Jared does Sound, Multi, Probably Angst at times, Probably mentions of Suicide/ Suicide attempts later on, Rating May Change, Slow Burn, Zoe's a performer, but for the most part this will be pretty light!, but he doesnt believe in himself, i'll update these as i go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-11-19 21:04:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11321712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dehtrash/pseuds/dehtrash
Summary: High School Theatre AUEvan gets cast in the school musical alongside his crush of 3 years, Zoe Murphy, but somewhere along the way he gets to know the lighting guy, Connor.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really missing doing high school theatre and i couldn't resist making this au. I've never done a multi-chapter (and i've only ever written one oneshot besides this lol) so we'll see how this goes!!
> 
> I was stage manager in highschool so Alana is me tbh, and most of my referencing for how their production works is gonna be from personal experience so sorry if it differs from anything you know! We had a really small theatre and literally only 2 tech guys lol. I also don't know a whole lot about sound and lighting besides what my friends who did it would tell me in passing so I might research that a bit. Enjoy!

Evan closed his locker after having jammed a binder with a few pieces of homework into his backpack and hiking it high on his back. He ducked his head down and made his way towards the school exit.

It was the second day back from winter break and Evan was already exhausted from all the social interaction after spending virtually his entire break alone in his room. Ideally now he could leave as quickly as possible to go heat up some leftovers at home. Weaving through the groups of students huddled with their friends throughout the hallway, Evan tried to curl into himself in an attempt to make himself as invisible as possible.

“Evan! How was your break?”

Suddenly Alana Beck was standing in front of him, which Evan discovered after he almost ran over the smaller girl due to his eyes being trained on the linoleum flooring. She stared up at him with her thinly framed glasses and a practiced smile, cradling a stack of colorful flyers in her arms.

“Oh-uh Hey Alana! Um- s-sorry I didn’t see you, uh... yeah my break was g-good I-“

“Great! Did you hear that Mr. Clarke asked me to assist him in directing the musical this year? We’re doing Grease!” A flyer was shoved in Evan’s face, “I mean of course I’ll still assume my duties as stage manager, but I think this new title will be great for my college applications!”

“Wow that’s um... that’s great! A-lana…” He rubbed the back of his neck and took the flyer in his hands, careful not to brush her fingers so she wouldn’t feel how clammy his own were.

“I think so too! So will you audition?”

“What?! Oh- hah uh n-no I don’t really think I’m suited for that… I-I’m not good u-um in front of people? I don’t really even sing.” That last part wasn’t really a lie unless you count singing in his room when Evan was 100% sure his mom wouldn’t be home to hear him.

“Oh that’s fine Evan,” He breathes a small sigh of relief. “We always need people for the ensemble!”

“E-Ensemble?”

“Yeah! You’d be on stage for the big numbers, but wouldn’t have any real lines! Perfect right? You don’t even have to be a good singer! You know, in freshman year before Jared did sound design for us he was in the ensemble. I mean, he had an ok voice and Mr. Clarke almost kicked him out for making crude gestures in the background of scenes, but he was still a valuable addition none the less!”

“Yeah- um I’ll t-think about it” He lied. Evan could barely maintain eye contact with her while having this conversation, so how was he supposed to willingly go on stage and actually _sing?_

Evan glanced once more at the flyer, which detailed the audition times and requirements, then folded the paper and stuck it in the front pocket of his backpack.

“Oh, I’m so excited Evan! This is going to be great, I just know it!” Alana was off in a flash, presumably to corner another victim into taking a flyer. Evan ducked down again and made a beeline for the door.

 

________________________________

 

 

As Evan walked home, he took out the flyer and examined it closer. He’d seen the movie Grease once with his mom, but it didn’t exactly leave a lasting impression on the boy. Sure, he liked musicals and everything, but being in one? No- not really in the cards.

The flyer stated that auditions were today, Wednesday, and Thursday, with the cast list coming out Monday. It seemed pretty soon to Evan, however taking into account the level of involvement Alana has put into this, he’s sure she had already planned out the entire rehearsal schedule until opening night.

Evan was known as the kid who stumbles over basic conversations and freezes during class presentations. Hell, even his best friend- well, his best _family_ friend never lets him forget the time he freaked out during his English presentation on Daisy Buchanan a few years ago. If he was in the musical, it would be another excuse for him to make a fool out of himself, and fuel the content of more snickers jeered towards him in the halls. Evan only had one semester left of high school, if he just stays out of the light, keeps to himself, and tries his hardest not to leave any bad impressions, then he might actually survive.

He’ll just have to go see the show, sit in the back and talk to Jared a bit afterward, maybe Alana too, and congratulate her on a great production. I mean, it has a better chance of being great if Evan’s not in it.

When he finally makes it home he barely registers his mother’s car in the driveway before walking in the front door and seeing Heidi Hansen in the kitchen mixing taco seasoning into a pan of ground beef. He stares at the back of her head for a minute before speaking.

“M-mom? You’re home?” His mom jumped a bit and turned around.

“Oh- Evan! Sweetie! How was school? I decided to skip class tonight and surprise you because, well, now that schools starting up again I know I’m not gonna see you as much!”

“T-That’s okay mom, I know you need to do it…” Evan felt guilty, he knows she needs those classes, but part of him is selfishly really glad she skipped.

“Oh, but honey, I miss you so much!” She walked over to him and grabbed his face with the hand that wasn’t holding the spatula, giving him a kiss on the cheek “Okay, you go set the table while I finish these tacos and we’ll have a nice dinner together, how’s that?”  
  
“Sounds great mom, thanks” Evan smiles, walking into the dining room and dropping his backpack and the flyer onto the counter as he passes it. He grabs two plates to set the table, ignoring the tug on his heart he feels knowing that his moms actually here.

“Okay, who’s ready for tacos?!” His mom walks in carrying a plate piled high with hard and soft shell tacos, definitely too much for just the two of them to eat. Evan knows that the leftovers are more for his mom’s peace of mind. Now, Evan will have something to reheat over the next few days, because lord knows he can never bring himself to order a pizza.

“Oh! Let me grab the sour cream!” She pops into the kitchen and comes back a minute later with a tub of sour cream in one hand… and the flyer for the musical in the other.

Oh god.

“What’s this about a school musical Evan? Aw, I love Grease! Remember when we watched it together? Are you auditioning?! This is great sweetie!” Evan feels his anxiety bubble up with her rapid-fire questioning.

“Oh- um I d-don’t know. I took that to be polite mostly, I’m probably not going to audition, it’d be dumb, uh-” He subconsciously started ripping up the napkin that he’d put in his lap.

“Why not? It’s not dumb when you were a kid you loved to sing! Everywhere you went you were singing, you even performed at that one neighborhood talent show, remember, when you were nine and-”

“Yeah, when I was nine and froze up halfway through singing!” That had been horrible, he had run off stage with tears in his eyes and had a panic attack in a port-a-potty.

“Okay, so maybe not a great example bud, but this could be a really good thing for you!” Evan put his head on the table. “C’mon! You can make some new friends, Oh! and your pal Jared does sound, doesn’t he? Oh, this will be so great baby, you can be part of something!”

He cringed a bit at her choice of words. Evan thought back to the beginning of his senior year, where his depressing letter had fallen into the wrong hands. He quickly pushed that memory into the recesses of his mind and smiled shakily back at his mother.

“Yeah, maybe mom..” He didn’t want to argue this with her further, as she looked so excited at the opportunity for Evan to make some real friends. She just didn’t get the reality that nobody _wanted_ to be friends with Evan. I guess no mom wants to believe their son is a loser.

 

________________________________

 

 

They finished their tacos and wrapped up the large selection of leftovers before Evan excused himself to do homework up in his room. He didn’t have that much to do seeing as it was the first week back. It was mostly just filling out syllabi and one ‘about be’ essay for English class. Looking at the papers, however, with the musical situation looming over him, he couldn’t seem to concentrate. Without giving himself too much time to overthink it, Evan took out his phone and sent a text to Jared.

 

Evan [6:21pm]: hey you do sound for the school musicals right?

Jared [6:25pm]: hell yeah I’m a tech god B) …y?

Evan [6:26pm]: my mom saw a flyer for it in my backpack and she wants me to audition!!!

Jared [6:30pm]: lol rip u man

Evan [6:31pm]: >:( this is serious help

Jared [6:34pm]: I dont even know why ur asking me

 

Evan bit his lip staring at his phone, maybe he shouldn’t have asked Jared. He was being annoying, but the anxiety about this whole audition situation outweighed those fears and was enough for him to continue.

 

Evan [6:40pm]: I’m sorry I don’t know who else to ask, and you know a bit about all this…

Jared [6:46pm]: y don’t you take over lighting and then we can chill and ur mom will be happy- the guy who does it now is an asshole.

Evan [6:47pm]: I can’t steal anyone’s position!! and I don’t know anything about lights I’d screw it up I really cant be in charge of anything.

Evan [6:48pm]: who does lighting anyways?

Jared [6:51pm]: the one and only Mr. School Shooter if u can believe it

 

He knew by that description that Jared was talking about Connor Murphy, whom Evan knows very little about besides a few less than friendly encounters.

 

Evan [6:57pm]: ok yeah then I definitely don’t want to cross him

Jared [7:00pm]: ya tru but he’s a dick, he calls me lush fucker

Evan [7:01pm]: I mean didn’t u literally take a bite of a bath bomb??

Jared [7:05pm]: that waS ONE TIME HANSEN

Evan [6:52pm]: sorry …anyways maybe ill do ensemble, and they wont even make me audition, or ill just ask to be a stage hand. Idk.

Jared [7:00pm]: ok well I’ve got better things to do ie. a date with my xbox so good fuckin luck my dude

 

Evan sighed and tossed his phone to the side. He’s probably going to need that luck.

 

________________________________

 

The next day Evan was a ball of nervous energy throughout all of his classes. A teacher called on him in math and he almost threw up after stuttering through a reply that he wasn’t even sure was true. He had decided the night before that he would just show up to the auditions and explain that he’d take any small role they’d give him. Preferably that meant a non-speaking role with minimal singing in the back of the stage. Yeah- that would work, he could blend in while still making his mom happy.

After the final bell rang Evan headed over to the auditorium where a sign in sheet was taped to the door and a handful of kids were already loitering outside, socializing with each other and waiting for their turn to audition. He quickly signed his name underneath the last person who had written theirs. Unfortunately, under further inspection, he noticed the name ‘Zoe Murphy’ was scrawled in pretty cursive right above Evan’s chicken scratch attempt at writing his own name.

This wasn’t good. While Evan was starting to get over his giant crush on the girl, being in close proximity to her throughout this production was a recipe for disaster. He began to regret coming here after all, stepping to the side away from the rest of the group, taking out his phone in an attempt to look busy. Maybe he should just walk away and forget the whole thing and his mom can just deal with the fact that her son can’t do anything right and-

“Hey, Evan- it is Evan, right?”

The universe must really hate Evan because now Zoe Murphy was standing in front of him with an expectant look on her face.

“Evan! I mean- sorry, y-yes I’m- I’m Evan.” He hated himself, why couldn’t he be normal for once? Oh god. “A-and you’re Zoe! Zoe Murphy, uh s-sorry…”

“Why are you sorry?” Zoe said with a confused smile directed at him.

“I-I don’t know s-sorry.” he said, conscious of how his hands were sweaty and his breathing was uneven. She probably thought he was such a freak.

To his surprise, Zoe just laughed lightly and smiled as though Evan had just said something funny.

“You’re auditioning for the musical too right?” Zoe said, changing the subject.  
  
“U-um I guess... I’m just trying for the ensemble or something” He tugged at the hem of his shirt.

“Oh well, that’s cool! Personally, I’m hoping to be cast as Sandy, is that conceited? I just think it would be a really fun role and last year I was only a supporting character so It’d be fun to be a lead y’know?”  
  
Evan didn’t know. The idea of being cast as a lead in a musical almost made his throat close up.

“W-well I think you have a good shot at being cast Z-Zoe… you’re great!” His brain was telling him to shut up, Zoe doesn’t want a loser like him drooling over her.

“Aw thank you, Evan.” She flashed him a perfect smile and Evan couldn’t breathe. “-And I hope to see you being cast too!”

She excused herself from the conversation and went to talk to a group of girls that were sitting in a circle. Evan took a deep breath and sat on the floor a few feet from the rest of the kids. He took out some homework to distract himself from the anxiety brewing below the surface.

The homework seemed to do a decent job of keeping his mind occupied because before he knew it Alana was opening the door to the theater and calling out his name.

“Evan Hansen!”

He jumped in his spot on the floor and scrambled to get up, shoving the papers he was working on haphazardly into his backpack.

“Uh-um yeah! R-ready!” He called, his face was probably bright red.

“Awesome, so glad you made it! Follow me.” Alana smiled at him before turning around and heading inside.

He followed the shorter girl down a short hallway before she opened a pair of double doors and he found himself in the wings of the large stage.

“Ok Evan, go stand center stage, Mr. Clarke and I will be in the third row to hear your audition!”  
  
“W-wait I just-“ Alana was too fast with her exit to hear him though, so Evan gulped, wiped his clammy hands on his jeans, and made his way to the stage. The lights were hot and bright on his face, and he could already feel himself begin to sweat.

“Mr. Hansen!” A voice rang out from the audience. Mr. Clarke was barely visible past the blinding lights hitting Evans' eyes. “It’s always good to see a fresh face joining us! So, let's get down to business, what will you be singing today and what role do you hope to get?” He sounded friendly enough but in Evan’s brain, he was convinced the older man was already judging everything about him.

“O-oh well, I was hoping that I could j-just do ensemble? S-sorry I don’t mean to assume that you’d even cast me b-but I could also just be a stagehand? Maybe? I was also h-hoping that I wouldn’t have to sing for you b-because I’m not expecting to have a speaking roll y-yknow?”

“Oh come on sport! We don’t bite! It’s just the two of us here.”

“I r-really can’t I-I- I’m not even a singer r-really…“  
  
“I can’t cast you as anything, not even ensemble, unless you sing.” Evans' chest was tight. “It wouldn’t be fair to all the other kids who come in and sing for us.” He looked up at Evan with warm eyes “Just pretend you’re all alone okay? We won't judge you no matter how you sound. What’s a song you like to sing when you’re by yourself?”

This wasn’t happening, He couldn’t do this, he’d make a fool of himself. He didn’t even know what he would sing! Sure, he sings alone in his room a lot but that’s a different story, no one's there to laugh at him.

He was standing there staring like an idiot. His mind had gone blank and he stumbled together a sentence as if on auto-pilot.

“I-uh I guess I sing Flight by Craig C-Carnelia? S-sorry um-“ Why did he say that? Why did he ever say anything?  
  
“That’s perfect! Why don’t you sing that for us?” He could make out the toothy grin Mr. Clarke was giving him.

Evan felt himself start to hyperventilate, Jesus he was so pathetic, about to have a panic attack for no goddamn reason. Tears pricked in the corners of his eyes when Mr. Clarkes booming voice rang out again.

“It's ok, just breathe, take your time, and start singing.”

His voice was a distraction from the loud ringing in his brain. He was suddenly determined to be more than his broken parts, maybe he could stumble together a decent audition. Evan cleared his brain, took a deep breath, and began to sing.

 

 _“Let me run through a f-field in the night_  
  
_Let me l-lift from the ground til my soul is in f-flight”_

 

Evan started off the song shakily, He cleared his throat, his cheeks burning. 

 

 _“Let me sway like the shade of a tree_  
  
_Let me swirl like a cloud in a storm on the sea.”_

 

He closed his eyes, breathing deeply, trying to push away the reality that Alana and Mr. Clarke were hearing him sing, focusing more on letting the song take him away.

 

_“Wish me on my way…”_

 

He felt himself getting lost in the song. This song hit very close to Evan, and he sang it when everything was _too much_. The lyrics held a lot of weight, he constantly wished he could fly away from his life, his problems, his anxiety. Everything else melted away and Evan was alone in his room, not on a hot stage in front of two curious eyes. He kept his eyes closed and let the lyrics fill him and be expelled naturally in waves and flows.

 

 _“Maybe everyone has hunger like this_  
  
_And the hunger will pass_  
  
_But I can't think like that!”_

 

He was completely wrapped up in his performance, not daring to look around. As he came closer to the ending of the song he let every ounce of passion pour out of him.

 

_“Wanna shift like a wave going on_

_Wanna drift from the path_

_I've been traveling upon_

_Before I am gone!”  
_

 

His eyes remain closed for a few seconds after singing the last note. Now that the song was over though, he was hyper aware of where he was and his eyes shot open.

Alana and Mr. Clarke were sitting and staring at him. They were both wide-eyed and he thought Alana’s mouth was hanging a bit. Oh god, they hated it. He was so embarrassing that they can’t even believe how awful he was, he’s a waste of space, a freak, why did he even come here?

“…Wow, Evan, that was..” Alana sounded less polished and put together than usual.

“Great job sport! We’ll be in touch, make sure to check out the cast list this coming Monday! It’ll be taped on the auditorium door!”

Evan was shaking, his face hot as he hastily made his exit. He hoped he could forget about this entire experience and that his mom wouldn’t be too disappointed when he didn’t get cast as anything.

 

________________________________

 

 

“He was incredible Zoe! I had to pick up my jaw from the floor once he finished!”

Connor could hear the tell-tale shrill of Alana Becks voice as he walked through the front entrance of his home. Zoe and her girlfriend Alana had monopolized the living room, sitting in front of a pile of snacks and gossiping presumably about the auditions for the upcoming musical.

“I would never had imagined he would be that talented, it was probably one of the best auditions I’ve ever seen!” Alana gushed.

Connor thought that feat wasn’t very hard to accomplish. After working lights for the school’s productions for three years Connor was well aware of the mediocracy that was high school performers. Most of them were over confident pre-pubescent kids who have been overpraised by their parents to believe the world revolved around them. He tried to avoid the actors as much as possible.

“Hey, my audition was right before his! Rude!” Zoe huffed jokingly, not actually offended.  
  
“Oh Zoe you’re audition was flawless don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll get a good part.” Alana leaned over to kiss the other girl, Connor gagged.  
  
“Hey, Isn’t that favoritism?” Connor asked, now leaning against the door frame.  
  
“Fuck off Connor” Zoe flipped him off while Alana just smiled warily.

“Oh, I don’t have final say in who gets cast! And I knew Zoe was talented before we were dating so…” She shot his sister a look of adoration.

“Gross, so who are you guys talking about anyway?” Connor moved to the sofa, stealing a few chips from the bag between the girls.  
  
“Evan Hansen, he’s got the voice of an angel according to Alana.” Zoe answered.

“He is pretty shy but today he blew me away! Do you know him?” She looked at Connor expectantly.

“I don’t think so…” The name sounded familiar, but Connor couldn’t seem to place it.  
  
“If you count pushing the kid in the hall ‘knowing him’ then yeah Connors acquainted.” Alana looked shocked at Zoe’s words, her head snapping wide eyed to look at Connor.

“I pushed him?” He didn’t remember that, but when his temper gets the best of him he seems to forget the details.

“Don’t you remember? It was like the first day of school this year.” Zoe looked at him skeptically.

“Yeah... well whatever I’m going to bed.”

“Connor its 6pm”

Connor flipped them off and headed upstairs.

________________________________

 

The rest of the week and following weekend were more or less uneventful for Evan. Besides the fear nagging at him that Alana was going to tell the whole school how stupid his audition was, nothing overly exciting happened, and Evan just attempted to blend into the background as usual.

Evan was almost at the school gates when he felt his phone buzz, and took it out to then be surprised it wasn’t from his mom.

 

Jared [7:20am]: DUDE WHAT THE FUCK?!

 

Evan had no idea what Jared meant. Was he mad at Evan for something? He hadn’t even talked to him since last Tuesday.

 

Evan [7:22am]: ???

 

Evan walked into the building and headed towards his locker. He had decided that he wasn’t even going to check the cast list, because there was no way he’d ever be cast, and he didn’t want to face the inevitable. If he went over there and saw how his name was nowhere to be found everyone around him would see how red his face was and laugh at him and he needed to avoid that.

“Hey, Evan, congratulations!” Zoe Murphy put herself in Evans path as he was about to reach his locker.

“Um… for what?” He played with the straps of his backpack, not wanting to be in this conversation.

“The musical... you haven’t seen?” She looked at him like he had two heads.

“Oh did I actually get in? what am I ‘nameless student #4’ or something?” He laughed a little humorlessly, although he was a little excited at the idea of not having to tell his mom that he was a complete failure.  
  
“Evan, come with me” Zoe determinedly grabbed Evans hand before he could even check how sweaty it was, and dragged him down the hall. She didn’t stop until they were standing at the doors of the school theater in front of the very same cast list he was trying to avoid.

She looks at him expectantly, so he sighed and turned to the list. Up at the top next to the words Sandra Dee was Zoe’s name, so he glanced back at her with a smile.

“Oh congrats, you g-got Sandy! I knew you’d be great.” Zoe didn’t reply, however, still gesturing with her eyes to the list.

Evan returned once more to the list and let his eyes trail down past Zoe’s name.

He had to catch himself before he fainted because written there under the name of the girl he’s had a crush on for three years are the words:

“Danny Zuko to be played by:                 Evan Hansen                ”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can Evan stop doubting himself enough to actually make it to the first rehearsal????? The world may never know. (just kidding read this and u might know).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the feedback i've gotten so far on this fic! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter! x

 

Evan stared at his own name printed on the sheet of paper in front of him for a solid minute before he felt Zoe tap him on the shoulder.

“Evan?... You okay?” He snapped a bit out of his trance and turned to the girl.

“Is this a joke? W-what’s going on p-please tell me this is some mistake.” Evans mind felt both blank and yet full of dread at the same time.

This can’t be real. Someone had played a cruel joke on him, he’d turn around and see some jock laughing with his friends- or no- that probably didn’t make sense. Jared! Yeah, Jared must have thought It would be hilarious to get Evan to believe he was cast, a-and he got Zoe in on it. Zoe is just waiting for Evan to believe it so she can laugh in his face. No-no- Zoe wouldn’t do that. Would she? She’s still looking at Evan with a confused and somewhat concerned stare. _Oh god- she’s been talking to him hasn’t she, and he’s just been staring at her gaping like a fish._

“Evan!” He finally manages to clear the rubble in his brain for a moment and return to the present. The present where he’s an idiot spacing out in front of Zoe Murphy.

“S-s-sorry! Uh.. just um… Can you _please_ tell me if this is some kind of a j-joke?” His breathing was uneven and he ended up staring at his shoes before he continued.

“I w-wouldn’t blame you if it is but um, just t-tell me?” He felt his brain getting cloudy again.

“Evan calm down, here sit with me.” Suddenly he found himself on the ground. They’re in the middle of the school hallway why would Zoe do that. People are going to see her, see her with _him._ Isn’t she embarrassed? People are most definitely going to talk about this.

Evan only realized he was hyperventilating when Zoe told him for the third time to breathe.

“Should I take you to the nurse?” Zoe was holding his hand. It was obviously pooling with sweat and she should be looking at him like he’s disgusting, but Evan glanced up from their joined fingers to meet her steady gaze and only saw concern lying there.

“I um- n-o I’m _fine_.” He really didn’t mean to start crying but tears were now threatening to spill onto his cheeks and his throat was tight and garbling his voice.

“Hey, hey, it's okay.” She pulled Evan up and lead him towards what he assumed was an exit.  “Why are you so upset? Why would you think this is a joke?”

He looked around and let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Zoe had led him outside via one of the school's side doors and now they were alone, away from prying eyes.

“S-sorry, just- um- because w-why would I have been cast? As the _lead_ of all things?” A few tears slipped down Evan’s face then, and he hastily rubbed them away in embarrassment.

“Because you’re… talented?” Zoe replied as if that was a normal assumption  
Evan let out a choked laugh, shaking his head slightly.

“No I’m serious, Alana wouldn’t shut up about you!” She squeezed the hand that was still entwined with hers, his clammy, gross, worthless hand that Evan still couldn’t believe didn’t drive her away already.

“She told you about my audition?! I-I didn’t even know you guys were close…” He felt himself calming down a little and rubbed at the hem of his shirt with his free hand to soothe himself further.

“Uh, yeah I’d say we’re pretty close,” Zoe said, donning a smile he didn’t quite understand. “-and she thought you were _amazing.”_

“R-really?” Evan met her eyes again, and surprisingly she looked serious.

“She said it was one of the best auditions she’s ever seen. _That’s_ why you were cast.”  
Evan blushed, but almost immediately felt his anxiety gnawing back at him. He extracted his hand from Zoe’s grip and fidgeted with his fingers for a moment.

“Um, I c-can’t, though.” He hated being a disappointment but letting this continue would be a mistake.

“Why not?” Evan felt Zoe’s searching for his eyes, but he couldn’t look up to meet her gaze.

“I can’t just go out on stage in front of an entire _audience_ and perform. I-I’d make a fool out of myself, forget my words, sing awfully, I j-just I can’t, I _c-an’t_ I’m _sorry._ ” His eyes were fresh with new tears.

“Hey, the play isn’t until basically the end of the semester, and you’ll have rehearsals literally every day leading up to it. You’ll have time to prepare, Evan.” He saw her hand come into his vision and pat his own joined hands. He finally looked up, giving her a shaky smile. She smiled back and rubbed over his knuckles.

“- _And_ if Alana is right about how well you can sing, and trust me she’s almost never wrong, then you won’t be mad a fool of. That’ll be me.” She laughed a bit then.

“Y-you?! Why?” Zoe could never look like a fool.

“Because I’m gonna be up there singing next to you! Everyone’s going to be blown away by your expertise and they won’t even notice little old me.” She smiled jokingly at Evan, knocking their shoulders together.

“It’s imp-possible not to notice you, Zoe…” Evan said almost under his breath.

“So… will you do it?” She said hopefully.

“I uh- I don’t know.” Evan looked down again.

“Come on, just show up to rehearsals tomorrow and feel it out. Everyone is super nice, just try it.” She lightly grabbed his chin and searched for his eyes. “For me, okay?”

Evans' face was red. He had stopped shaking a few minutes ago but his heart beat was a mile a minute. He was still vehemently against the idea, but he couldn’t seem to bring himself to say no and disappoint the girl in front of him.

“O-okay. I’ll try.”

 

________________________________

 

Evan did actually end up going to the nurse after his talk with Zoe, mostly because of how exhausted he was. The lady working there was well acquainted with Evan’s panic attacks and thankfully let him sleep through his first period before sending him off for the day.

He was feeling a bit better about the situation by the time lunch came around. Obviously not _good_ but… better. That was until his only “friend” Jared Kleinman plopped down at Evans table and stole his cup of applesauce.

Evan usually sits alone or hides in the library during his lunch period, while Jared is off presumably with his actual friends, so it was a bit of a surprise for Evan to see the other boy sitting across from him.

“Uh- hi Jared?” Evan greeted the boy warily.

“Okay, let me repeat my text from this morning,” He cleared his throat and stared at Evan with an incredulous look. “Dude, what the fuck?”

“Are you talking about the—the musical?” Evan asked, pushing around his cafeteria food which he wasn’t 100% sure was edible.

“Am I talking- of course, I’m talking about the musical!”

“S-sorry. That was dumb- uh _.” Of course, he was. What a stupid question, all Evan does is ask stupid questions. Why does he bother speaking?_

“How did _you_ manage to get the lead role?” Jared looked honestly baffled, and Evan couldn’t blame him. “You can’t even form coherent sentences!”

“I don’t really know… I guess, I guess Alana liked it? A-and Mr. Clarke too?” He tried to seem somewhat confident as if this turn of events wasn’t a complete whirlwind for him as well.

“This is hilarious dude, I can’t wait to watch you stumble through rehearsal-“

“Evan! Oh- and hey, Jared! Mind if we join you?” Evan jumped at the new voice and immediately flushed realizing it had come from Zoe Murphy, who had Alana Beck in tow.

“Uh s-sure… h-have a seat!” Jared stared at him like he was crazy which weirdly justified the anxiety he felt with these two girls randomly joining him.

“I just thought If we’re supposed to be madly in love on stage I might as well get to know you off stage, yknow?” Zoe smiled warmly at Evan and the boy ignored any skepticism that may have been harboring in his mind, because even if she had negative intentions in interacting with him, Evan thought it might be worth it just to see that smile.

“-And I love to have a good relationship with all of my actors,” Alana’s cut in, then her eyes shifted to Jared's, “-and my crew of course!”

“Hey Lana…, Zoe...” He took a bite of Evans applesauce and continued with his mouth still partially full, “I was just telling Evan here how screwed he was over this whole casting thing.”

“Jared!” Evans' cheeks burned under the pitying looks Alana and Zoe were now giving him.

“I don’t think you’re screwed at all Evan, Mr. Clarke and I both thought your audition was really solid, and as your stage manager/assistant director it is my duty to make sure you feel comfortable on stage.” Alana flashed him a perfectly poised smile, however, her words didn’t feel disingenuous.

“T-Thanks Alana.” He said, smiling at the girl and ignoring Jared’s obvious eye roll.

“I’ll be up there with you too Evan; it won’t be so scary I promise.” Zoe reached out and grabbed his hand, rubbing it twice before releasing it and returning to her lunch.

“Yeah, whatever man it’s your funeral.” It didn’t seem as though Jared was going to push the issue further. “Hey! Look at this weird ass video that was trending this morning.” Jared was now shoving his phone in all of their faces.

“Jared, I swear if you sneak pop culture references into the playbill again this year I will kick you out and do the sound myself!” Alana warned, looking way to serious for the subject matter of their discussion.

“I think that’s one too many hats, sister.” Jared retorted while laughing and scrolling through his phone to pull up more posts and videos to show the two girls.

They spent the rest of the lunch period in mostly comfortable conversation. Evan didn’t contribute much, content to just listen to the rest of them talk. He attempted to push back the looming reality that rehearsals began tomorrow. Rehearsals where he’ll probably screw everything up. At least he could pretend to have friends for a day.

 

________________________________

 

All remaining half-formed plans in Evans head of skipping rehearsal and forgetting this whole thing were shot when he let it slip to his mother that he had gotten the role. She had looked so elated- _relieved-_ that her son wouldn’t spend the rest of his high school career afraid to leave his room. He didn’t think he could handle he heartbreak if he told her he couldn’t do it.

So, despite the anxiety threatening to consume him from the inside out, Evan found himself outside the schools’ theater at 2:25 pm, just ten minutes after the last bell had rang. He had stopped by his locker briefly to switch out some books and attempted to keep a slow pace while making his way over. He didn’t want to be too early and look like some overeager loser- but he also didn’t want to show up late and be seen as a jerk who didn’t care if he was on time.

Taking one last deep breath in an attempt to quell his nerves, he opened the doors and walked into the theater. The air conditioning was blasting much cooler than in the halls, and it sent a shiver down Evans' spine. The lights were dim, and beside himself, it seemed that no one else was there. Great- so much for not looking like a loser.

He didn’t want to go back in the hall and loiter around at risk of being caught standing awkwardly and friendless, so Evan resigned himself to being early and took a seat in the second row from the stage. He took out his cell phone- which didn’t work half the time and had a long splintered crack running across it, and replied to a text from his mother, letting her know he was at rehearsal and that he was fine getting himself home. She worked a lot of late shifts so Evan was used to walking home.

He busied himself on his phone for a few minutes, playing a mindless game, when a voice called out from the back of the auditorium.

“Hey, the fuck are you doing in here?”

Evan’s head whipped around so quickly that he might have to have his mom check it out for whiplash later. The person speaking was too far away for Evan to tell who he was in the subdued lighting.

“Uh-um I’m here for r-rehearsal?” Evan stuttered, his voice rising at the end. “T-that’s today i-isn’t it?” Oh god- what if he had the day wrong, and he was just sitting here in a dark auditorium like some _freak._ Zoe had said that she’d see him today though- but what if she was joking, o-or wanted Evan to come and make a fool of himself, or-

“Yeah, that doesn’t start till 3:30 man.” The voice sounded irritated.

Evan looked up to see that the boy speaking had made his way down the isle during Evans mental freak out. Now that he was closer to Evan, he could now see that he was talking to Connor Murphy. That didn’t do anything to make him feel calmer.

“Um, s-sorry? I.. I didn’t know, I just assumed it’d be right after school? That was stupid sorry.” Why hadn’t he asked Jared, or Zoe, or even Alana what time it started? Now he looked like a complete idiot.

“Well since the majority of the cast tend to be either in jazz band or choir they just start rehearsals later so they don’t overlap with practice.” He didn’t seem like he really cared about the issue. “-but I use this time to work on the lights… _alone.”_

“S-sorry!” Why is Evan still sitting there, Connor doesn’t want him there, no one would want to be stuck alone with Evan, but he didn’t have anywhere else to go. Jared was god knows where, Zoe had jazz band, and Alana’s probably at one of her many clubs. Even if they were around it’s not like they’d actually want to be around Evan anyway. “I u-um I don’t really have anywhere to go?”

“Just find some friends or some shit, I don’t want you here bothering me while I’m trying to get stuff done.”

Evan was staring at his hands. He felt trapped.

“I- uh. I _promise_ I w-won't bother you… I just don’t- I c-can’t-“ He felt his throat getting tighter

“God just- whatever. Sit there all you fuckin’ want. Just don’t talk to me.” Connor walked away without letting Evan answer, leaving him somewhat relieved, if not unwanted.

Now knowing that he had time before rehearsal began, Evan took out the book that had just been assigned in his English class. Connor was in that class with Evan, but even just a week into school Evan had only seen the boy show up two or three times. When he did show up he usually had his headphones in as well, drowning out the teacher.

Evan didn’t peg Connor as the kind of kid that was interested in theatre. He guessed doing lights was a less “show tunes” version of the world, but Evan always assumed Connor wasn’t really involved in any extracurricular’s. He just always seemed so over school, and It was hard to believe he’d spend more time here willingly. Evan probably shouldn’t judge; he can’t remember the last club that he was a part of.

After he was about half way through the first chapter of his book, Evan’s attention was already beginning to stray. He glanced up from the pages and noticed that Connor was up on the stage using a big metal lift and fiddling with some of the lights. It looked pretty high up and dangerous to the shorter boy, but from what he could tell Connor was completely at ease with the task. Evan watched as he made his way down the row of lights, switching and adjusting a few things on each of them. When Connor finished with the last light in the row he hit a button on the lift and began to lower himself down to the stage. When he was about halfway down he suddenly looked up and connected eyes with Evan.

“Listen, if you could stop fucking staring at me that would be great.”

He felt like a deer in headlights. Evan quickly ducked his head down, flushing bright red.

“S-sorry! Uh- sorry I didn’t mean to!” _stupidstupidstupid_ now he thinks he’s some kind of a creep.

“Whatever.” Connor rolled his eyes and went back to work.

Evan returned to the book, his face still hot, and pointedly did _not_ look up again. It was still difficult to pay attention to what was going on in the story, but staring blankly at the page was better than risking annoying the other boy again.

 

________________________________

 

He eventually became more wrapped up in the book, and before he knew it Evan was jumping at the sound of the doors opening behind him. He hadn’t realized that much time had passed. Evan turned around and saw a few somewhat familiar faced filtering in, so he put away his book and tried to look as though he hadn’t been sitting there for the past hour.

“Hey Evan! You’re very punctual, I like that!” Alana came over and grinned at him. “Aren’t you so excited for rehearsal?? First day!”

Evan smiled a bit weakly at the girl and almost began to speak but before he could she was off and heading up the stage and into the back.

He looked around at some of the other kids sitting near him and realized something- Connor was gone.

“Hi Evan, how’s it goin’?” Evan looked then to his right and smiled, now noticing Zoe who was coming up to sit next to him.

“H-hey Zoe, I’m good. How was jazz band?” Wait- would Zoe think it was weird that Evan knew where she was? “U-uh I mean I’m just assuming you were there because last year I went to one of the concerts nd I t-think I saw you there? N-not to be weird or anything um- Jared was doing tech that night so I decided to come-um a-and Connor mentioned that jazz band had practice before rehearsal s-so-“

“You talked to my brother?" She interrupted his rambling, looking at him a bit shocked.

“Uh- y-yeah… just briefly! I –uhm- got here a little early? Evan gripped his backpack that was on the seat next to him, running his fingers over the straps.

“Oh Okay, sorry about that. I guess I should have mentioned that rehearsals start later! Sucks you had to be stuck here with Connor.” She laughed a little.

“T-that’s okay. Where, uh, where did he go?” Evan hoped he wasn’t being invasive. Zoe seemed thrown off that he was asking about Connor, but shook it off and smiled a little before replying.

“Oh- he rarely stays for rehearsal, especially this early on since we don’t really have to run lighting cues yet.” Evan nodded, that made sense. “-he also hates like all the actors.”

“Then w-why does he bother doing lighting for them?” The whole juxtaposition of the situation didn’t make sense; why would he want to work on the musical if he hates the people performing in it?

“No clue, but I guess he must like something about it, he’s been doing it for years.” Zoe ponders for a moment.”-it’s also probably a good escape from out parents, they don’t exactly get along.”

“O-okay sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.” He blushed a little, looking away briefly.

“Oh, don’t worry about it.” She flashed him another perfect smile. “So are you excited to get started?”

Rehearsal really only lasted about an hour in the long run. They did a bit of an introductory game, which had Evan reeling when it was his turn, but Zoe had smiled at him patiently the whole time so it was alright. They then all received their scripts and had a quick briefing on some of the theatre lingo, like the difference between right and stage right. Alana was a burst of energy the entire time, and Jared (who had shown up twenty minutes late) was at a similar level. Evan felt worn out just by standing near the two of them. The rest of the cast were relatively friendly, a lot of them were underclassmen whom Evan didn’t know, but it wasn’t like Evan knew many people. Walking home afterward Evan thought for a moment that maybe this wouldn’t turn out to be a _complete_ disaster.

________________________________

 

Alright. So Connor definitely remembered Evan Hansen.

It was hard to forget the boy he had pushed, called a freak, and stole from on what was probably one of the worst days of his life. Seeing the stuttering boy again in the auditorium today had brought all of those memories back up to the surface.

He hadn’t meant to be so frank with Evan today, he was obviously afraid of Connor (for good reason). Yet- seeing the blonde boy was a blatant reminder of one of his worst episodes, so sue him if it didn’t put Connor in the best mood.

He couldn’t help but feel a little guilty about it though. It didn’t help that Evan had looked so _scared_ , blushing and stumbling over every word. When he had noticed the anxious kid staring at him he found it hard to focus. He had looked at Connor with such curiosity, unlike the disgusted or frightened stares he usually got. He wasn’t sure he liked it. Connor knew how do deal with most people, but was already finding it difficult to deal with Evan Hansen.

Connor was drowning out the world through his speakers in his room when his sister burst through the door unannounced.

“Zoe, fuck off.” He muttered, not bothering to open his eyes.

She walked over to his stereo and turned off the music, causing Connor to groan and open one eye to glare at her.

“ _What?”_

“Well, first off that is _way_ too loud. I share a wall with you y’know.” Connor just rolled his eyes.

“-and I wanted to talk to you about Evan Hansen.” His eyebrows shot up at that. He sat up in bed and stared at her questioningly.

“What about him.”

“He mentioned you at rehearsal today.” Zoe sat on the end of his bed and crossed his arms.

“The fuck did he say?” He probably told her how Connor was a dick to him, and he groaned internally at the inevitable lecture that was about to come.

“Nothing really, just that you talked.” That surprised Connor.

“Okay… and?” Why was she even mentioning It if Evan hadn’t said anything.

“Just-“ She looked frustrated, “-can you please be nice to him?” Connor quirked a brow at the girl.

“Why do you care so much, you and Alana trying for a throuple?” She smacked his foot then.

“Shut up, it’s just that he’s a really sweet kid-“

“He’s in the year above you.” Connor cut in.

“- _and_ he’s already super anxious about everything, so just, don’t be… you.” She gestured vaguely in his direction.

“Gee Zoe, then who should I be?” he rolled his eyes.

“You know what I mean. ‘Lana Is really excited about having him in the production. Don’t fuck it up by scaring him away.” She looked at him sternly.

“Why? How can a guy that stutters after every word be a good fit for the fucking lead?” Connor was honestly surprised he showed up at rehearsal at all.

“She swears his voice is amazing, and when has she ever been wrong.” Zoe reasoned.

“Well, whatever, don’t complain to me when it’s a week til’ opening and he still can’t say his fucking lines. At least the lights will look good.”

“Don’t be such an asshole Connor. Come on, just be nice to him okay?” She had a pleading tone in her voice now.

“ _Fine._ I’ll be ‘nice’ okay? Now get out.” He put air quotes around the words but tried to look sincere enough that his sister would be pleased.

“That’s all I ask.” She smiled and patted his knee before jumping up and leaving his room. He rolled off the bed and turned his music back on, this time a little softer. This was going to be interesting. Connor just hoped that he could avoid Evan as much as possible in the coming weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudo's and Comments make my day xox
> 
> Fun fact I wrote most of this chapter on a plane!
> 
> Also lowkey I started off naming the first chapter then high key realized I can't come up with names for every chapter so i'm not gonna continue that oops.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor tries to be more "nice."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow thank you so much for all the comments and Kudo's i've gotten so far! 
> 
> Sorry this chapter is a bit late I went away for my birthday (and saw Hamilton!!!!!!!) So i've been in vacation mode but now i'm back at it and i'll try to get the next chapter up soon! Sorry if this chapter is a little clunky i'm trying my darndest (:

It was becoming increasingly difficult for Connor to avoid Evan Hansen. It seemed as though the boy was _everywhere._ Evan shared three classes with him, which Connor came to realize after his mother’s worried talk about his constant skipping and him promising to make more of an effort. He also has been running into him in the halls more frequently, because their lockers are practically across from each other. Finally, without fail, Evan has also shown up every day for rehearsal at least a fucking hour early.

To his credit, Evan hasn’t tried to spark up any more conversations with Connor, yet for some reason, his presence alone has become quite the distraction. It’s been about a week since the first rehearsal and for the most part, Evan sits in the audience and reads or works on his homework. Once or twice he’s caught the shorter boy staring at him, but ducked his head immediately when eye contact was made. He hasn’t lashed out at him since the first day though, in an attempt to “ _be nice.”_ But he’s starting to drive Connor a little crazy.

He was used to working completely alone, and the once spacious theater now felt very claustrophobic with the addition of another person. He’d maybe be able to stomach it if he knew Evan found him disgusting like everyone else, but whenever he catches the blonde boys eyes they seem open and intrigued. He can’t seem to figure it out, and things he can’t figure out make him uncomfortable.

Now, Connor found himself up in the catwalk finishing up some adjustments on one of the spotlights and looking down at the boy on his mind. Evan was sitting in the third row of the auditorium with his script in his hand frantically highlighting lines and flipping through pages. It was only the first week for christ sake, the panic to memorize lines didn’t come to plague the actors for another month typically.

Connor finished with the light and made his way down through the cramped staircase on his left. It may have been Zoe’s reminder to be nice, or the fact that he can’t seem to shake him from his thoughts, but before Connor could think better of it he made his way over to the anxious boy. He sat in the row in front of Evan, turning his body to face him.

“Isn’t It a little early to be worrying about memorization?” He asked.

Evan jumped out of his skin at Connors' voice, clutching his script as though his life depended on it.

“Uh-um h-hey! I didn’t realize you were there. I-I mean I _knew_ you were here because you do the lights, of course, I j-just didn’t know you were sitting right there and you had said you didn’t want to talk to me which is _fine_ \- why would you? So I was trying to give you space and not _bother you and-“_

“Hansen, chill the _fuck out._ ” It seemed like Evan only had two modes, constant rambling our stuttering out one word at a time. “I just wanted to know why you’re drenching your script in fluorescent yellow ink so early in the game.”

“Oh s-sorry, I just-um want to be really prepared.” Evan’s eyes were trained on the script as if Connor was going to yell at him for staring even though he initiated the conversation.

“It’s stupid I know I-I just _really_ don’t want to mess up.” He was fiddling with the highlighter between his fingers.

“Don’t you practice this shit? Like at rehearsal?” Connor wondered.

“I mean, n-no? We’re mostly blocking and practicing the big dance sequences at this point… The run-through’s for our scenes don’t start for a few more weeks… and I w-want to be r-ready?”

He finally looked up at Connor, and it was the first time he had gotten a good look at his face. Evan was objectively pretty cute, with a soft dusting of freckles and baby blue eyes that match his array of baby blue polos he always seems to be wearing. But Connor was _not_ thinking about that, because that’s complicated.

“Can I see your script?” he asked impulsively.

“Um-um w-why?” Evan looked caught off guard.

“Just- come on” He reached out and grabbed the script from Evans' hands. Opening it and filtering through some of the pages, Connor let out a low whistle.

“Fuck man you have a looooot of lines.”

“Y-yeah I know…?” Evan was staring at the script in Connors' hands and wringing his fingers.

“I mean… we could practice some lines together if you wanted. It's probably easier than reciting them in your head.” He didn’t think _this_ is what Zoe meant when she said to be nice to the kid, but Connor felt bad seeing him so stressed out.

“ _No, no, you don’t have to_.” He shook his head and let out a shaky laugh “Y-you have other things to be doing you d-don’t have to help me with this.” His face was beat red.

“I’m not doing shit right now. There’s only so many lights I can fiddle with before I get bored out of my mind. And I sure as fuck don’t want to go home.” He wasn’t sure why he was pushing for this. Just a minute ago he wanted to be as far away from the boy in front of him as possible.

“Um… okay, y-yeah th-that sounds good.” Then Evan smiled up at him and Connor no longer regretted coming over.

He moved to sit in the chair next to Evan and they practiced a few scenes, Connor reciting all the lines besides Evans. Evan was pretty shaky and needed to glance at the pages every couple of words to continue, so Connor thought maybe he had the right idea starting his memorization so early. Before they both knew it the doors in the back were opening and kids were filtering in.

“Uh- okay that’s my cue. See you around, Hansen.”

He half saluted the boy and headed up towards the stage to exit out the back.

 

________________________________

 

Evan watched Connors hair swish behind him as he bounded up the stage stairs and through the back doors _. What_ had just happened?

Connor Murphy, the boy that scared the living crap out Evan, wanted to run lines with him? None of this made sense and Evan thought he might be stuck in some alternate reality because nothing that’s been happening lately was normal. Connor had actually been really nice and sat close enough to Evan that he could smell his deodorant, _that was weird why is Evan thinking about that._ He looked around and noticed Zoe coming towards him from the entrance of the theater. She had a quizzical expression on her face as she sat next to Evan.

“Did I just see you with my brother?”

“Um- y-yeah! We uh- were running lines?” He ran a hand through his neatly cropped hair.

“You…. Were _running lines?_ With _Connor?_ ” Zoe looked as if Evan had just told her he was the queen of France.

“Uh- yes? I-Is that weird?” He felt his face heating up.

“Yeah Evan, that’s weird.” She said blatantly. “You could have asked me to run lines y’know.” She gave him a sympathetic smile, which Evan sort of resented in that moment.

“That’s um- really nice of you Zoe… but I mean, Connor offered? I didn’t _force_ him or anything.” He didn’t know why he was being so defensive.

“He… _offered.”_ She was still piercing Evan with a heavy stare that was making the boy uncomfortable, so he just shrugged slightly with his eyes fixed on his script, which was still open to the page they had been practicing on. Zoe shook her head a little.

“Okay, Evan… just- be careful with him.” He looked up to see her giving him a worried smile.

“It r-really wasn’t any thing; he was probably just bored.” If this is how Zoe was reacting, maybe Evan _should_ be worried. Maybe Connor had some sort of malicious intentions in helping him. It hadn’t seemed that way though.

“Listen, Connor is… complicated. We’ve gotten closer than we used to this semester, but he’s still very closed off. He’s also been known to… lash out. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.” She rubbed his shoulder soothingly.

“I’m fine Zoe. We were just running lines. We’re not friends or anything.” Because why would he want to be friends with Evan. He probably was doing it to make fun of him, and Evan played right along _. He’s probably going to laugh about this to everyone. Why had Evan been so dumb?_

 

________________________________

 

Evan showed up at rehearsal twenty minutes later than normal the next day, which still left him with about forty-five minutes until everyone else would start showing up. After his conversation with Zoe the day before, Evan was hesitant to have another interaction with the mysterious lighting guy. Evan decided to heed the girls warning, but the fact of the matter still stood that he didn’t have anywhere to go after school. Maybe if he seemed really invested in his book then Connor wouldn’t pick on him.

He sat in his usual spot and pulled out his book before glancing up at the stage. He stopped short when he took in the sight in front of him.

The stage was lit with a multitude of different colored lights, mostly magentas and teals, washing together in a harmonious glow. There, sprawled out in the middle of the stage with a knee propped up and his eyes closed was none other than Connor Murphy. Connor had his hair pulled back and was lying peacefully, twiddling his fingers, oblivious to the other boy’s arrival.

_Stop staring stop staring stop staring-_

“Hey Hansen, you’re late.”

Okay, so maybe Connor did notice Evan. The shorter boy jumped, having dropped the book in his hands and scrambled to pick it up only to look back up and- was Connor smiling?

“I’m just fucking with you. Calm down, you’re still like… freakishly early.”

Evan’s cheeks burned and he pointedly didn’t reply. He didn’t want to fuel Connor anymore for whatever he was doing to humiliate him. To Evans dismay, however, Connor was now walking over to him.

“I’m getting bored as shit doing the preliminary set up for this musical, so I decided to play around with some gels.” The long haired boy said conversationally, gesturing towards the stage.

Evan kept his eyes down, focusing on picking at his cuticles until he felt the other boys’ presence beside him.

“You wanna work on your lines or something? I need a fucking distraction.” He sat in the seat next to Evan.

What was he doing? Why couldn’t he just leave Evan alone? He was obviously… just _pretending_ to be friendly so he could run off and laugh to his cooler friends about how much of a loser Evan was. He wished Connor wasn’t such a good actor. He couldn’t take it anymore.

“Can you just- can you stop?” The words spilled out of Evans' mouth, shaking his head and pulling his knees up to his chest.

“The fuck do you mean?” Connor looked taken aback and slightly offended.

“I- um s-sorry just. I don’t know _what_ you’re trying to do b-but please just… can you stop making fun of me or whatever this is.” His attention returned to picking at the skin around his fingernails.

“I’m not… I’m not making fun of you.” Connors' eyebrows were furrowed. “It’s literally just the two of us in here who would that benefit.”

Evan looked back up to Connor, panic filling his voice.

“I-I don’t know! M-maybe you’re just telling everyone what a l-loser I am, which I _get_. J-just I _really can’t take this right now-”_ Tears pricked in the corners of his eyes, God he was pathetic.

“Hansen!  I’m not making fun of you. I’d literally have no one to tell. If you haven’t noticed, I’m a bit of an outcast.” He ran a hand through his tangled curls, looking frustrated.

“Y-you are?” Evan rubbed at his red face, trying to calm himself down.

“Why do you think I spend all my time in here?” Connor quirked a brow at the other boy.

“Um, I don’t-“

“It’s because I have like no friends! …So there’s no one I’m running off to laugh about you with. Don’t worry.” Suddenly Connor stood and started walking away from him.

“C-Connor!” Evan was surprised by his own voice, but it was enough to stop Connor in his tracks. “I’m… _I’m sorry_. You don’t- have to leave.” He worried the hem of his shirt, watching Connors' shoulders sagged as he turned back around and leaned on the back of one of the seats.

“Where’d all this bullshit come from anyways? You seemed fine enough yesterday.” Connor crossed his arms and stared at Evan.

“Um… well, it was nothing just” Evan rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh, Zoe mentioned-“

Connor let out a loud groan at that.

“Fuuuuuuck, of course, this has to do with Zoe.” He squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“She really didn’t say anything!” Evan backtracked, not wanting to get the girl in trouble. “She just- um- she warned me? About you? Sorry.” His voice got smaller at the end.

“Yeah, I uh… I don’t blame her.” Connor glanced over to Evan. “I’ve been kind of a dick.”

Evan thought back to earlier this year, the last interaction he had with Connor hadn’t exactly been _friendly._

“But I’m trying, you know, to be uh ‘nicer.’” He took the seat next to Evan again, meeting his eyes.

“Well, that’s good…” He shifted in his seat a bit, not sure how to respond.

“Look, I’m not good at talking about shit. Want to see something cool?” He looked hopeful, and Evan didn’t want to hurt that expression.

“I guess? Y-yeah, sure.” He gave what he hoped was a reassuring smile.

“Follow me.”

He walked up the steps of the stage and into the stage right wing. Evan hadn’t explored the theater much, so he was surprised with Connor opened a black door to reveal a tight spiral staircase.

“Just watch your step,” Connor said as he began climbing the stairs. They went up for what felt like five minutes before he opened the door at the top. When Connor stepped to the side he revealed a walkway lined with lights facing the stage.

“This is the cat walk, I like it up here because you can see down below but they can’t see you.”

He walked out on the narrow walkway with ease, and Evan hesitantly followed. The floor was a steel grate that you could see right through and it was starting to freak him out.

“This is- This is r-really high up?” His voice rose to a near squeak.

“Yeah, but its safe, watch.” Connor turned around and smiled at Evan, before grabbing on to the rails on either side of him and jumping, causing the whole thing to shake a bit.

“P-Please don’t do that! S-sorry.” Evan gripped at the railing, keeping his eyes forward and trying not to think about how high up they were.

“Ok ok, just sit down, it’s less scary” Connor sat down between two bulky lights, letting his feet hang down towards the stage, and patted the spot next to him. Evan slowly sunk to the ground, crossing his legs and leaning against one of the large bars supporting the structure. Now that he was a few feet closer to the ground, and observing Connor who seemed completely at ease, Evan began to calm down. He could sort of see the appeal of this place.

 “So do you really spend all you’re time here?” He asked Connor, who was swinging his legs and looking down at the stage.

“Yeah pretty much” He shrugged.

“Is that why I’ve never seen you at lunch?” Evan asked, somewhat bravely.

“Yeah,” He looked over at Evan. “I eat here practically every day.”

“You could- uh” Evan wasn’t even sure where he was going with this. “I used to sit alone too, but lately I’ve been sitting with Jared, Zoe, and Alana at lunch and you could… you could join us? I-If you wanted to.”

“Yeah sorry, but hard pass on that.” _Stupid. Why would Connor want that?_

“S-sorry that was dumb. I sh-shouldn’t have asked that, sorry.” He felt his face heating up for the fiftieth time today.

“God, you really don’t have to apologize for every goddamn thing. I just hate everyone at our school and the cafeteria is a condensed hell-scape.” Connor let out a humorless laugh.

“R-right… that, um, makes sense? But if you change your mind, you’re, um, you’re welcome to sit with us.” He should just leave it, this is getting awkward.

“Yeah...”Connor looked just as uncomfortable as Evan felt. Then he clapped his hands together which startled Evan. “Ok let’s get you down to safety before Alana bites my head off for endangering an actor.”

They made their way back down to the stage, and when he opened the door he noticed a few people already arriving for rehearsal. Evan turned back to Connor to see him already heading to the exit. He guessed Zoe was right when she said he’s not a fan of the actors. Why was he making such an effort to be kind to Evan though? A lot of things still didn’t make sense.

 

________________________________

 

Hours later, after a highly uncomfortable family dinner where he just pushed his food around on his plate, Connor had made his way up the stairs ready to collapse into bed. By this time of day Connor was typically drained and not willing to have any social interaction, so when he found his sister leaning against his door he wasn’t exactly _thrilled._

“How is it fair that we have to wait for you to have dinner when you don’t get home from rehearsal until fucking 7pm?” He asked, shoving past the girl and into his room.

“I mean, you’re supposed to be at those too.” She retorted, following him without missing a beat.

“Yeah like you really need my lighting skills to practice ‘Grease Lighting’ a billion times” He slumped on his bed and glared Zoe.

“I mean it's also good to get to know your cast…” she seemed thoughtful for a moment, Connor just rolled his eyes.

“Whatever, what is this about.” He knew she had some sort of agenda in talking to him. They don’t typically ‘chat.’

“I’ve noticed you’ve been talking to Evan Hansen.” She said, taking a seat at Connors desk.

“Fuck,” He let out a sigh. “Is that kid all you talk about?” Since when had his life become Evan central?

“I mean, it's understandably a little strange… I’ve seen you talking with him the past two days.”

“Yeah, and thanks for making him think I was a murderer with your ‘be careful speech’” Connor couldn’t’ really blame Zoe for warning Evan, but he did wish he could meet someone without them having a pre-existing expectation of him.

“He told me you _read lines together_. Connor, you hate most of the actors. How could I not think that was fishy?” She said skeptically.

“I was trying to be _nice._ Like you asked me to. _”_ He shoved his face in his pillow. He knew he was sort of going ‘above and beyond’ what Zoe meant when she said to be nice, but It had seemed natural talking to Evan. Why did it have to be such an ordeal to his sister?

“I’ve never seen you talk to any of the other actors, and I saw you guys coming down from the cat walk today. This isn’t normal behavior for you.” She crossed her arms. She obviously didn’t believe he was doing this selflessly.

“It’s not a big deal, He sits there for an hour silently every fucking day while I work. I was just trying to make it less awkward _. Fuck.”_ He wanted to drop the subject. Maybe he should stop talking to Evan altogether if it’s going to be such an issue-

“Look, If you’re really not bullshitting me… then I think it’s a good thing.” Connor stared at the girl with disbelief.

“No really! You could use a friend.” She smiled at him, but his expression remained sour.

“I don’t know if I’d call us friends-” Evan was still scared shitless of Connor, and even if he wasn’t, who would actually want a friend like Connor? There was a reason no one talked to him.

“Well, regardless, just don’t hurt him okay? He doesn’t have a lot of friends either.” With that, she finally left his room. Thankfully she had shut the door on her way out, so Connor just threw his covers over himself and let out a long sigh.

 

________________________________

 

A week after the Zoe incident, things were going relatively well with Connor and Evan. Evan still showed up to rehearsal ridiculously early, but now they’ve been spending that time together. Connor, who still wanted to get his work done before rehearsal, has been bringing Evan around while doing his tasks, the shorter boy helping out a little but mostly just asking questions and watching. When he finished early or couldn’t be bothered to work on the lights anymore, they worked on Evan’s lines. It was a good system, and it passed the time better than their awkward silent dance they had around each other prior.

It was easy for Connor to be around Evan. He didn’t think about it too much because all of this was so _new,_ but it didn’t really feel like foreign territory.

Now, Connor was alone in the auditorium during his lunch period, and his mind wouldn’t shut up. This used to be a god send for Connor, away from the bustle of the cafeteria, but now the theater seemed so big, yet not big enough to capture all of Connors thoughts.

Evan _had_ invited Connor to join him at lunch, but that had been over a week ago. Also, he wouldn’t just be eating with Evan. He’d be eating with Jared, Alana, _and_ his sister. That would probably be weird. That would definitely be weird. He shouldn’t do that.

He felt his feet walking him out of the auditorium before his mind could protest. Connor couldn’t handle the silence any longer, but he couldn’t help but feel like he was stepping out of the frying pan and into the fryer.

He made his way to the cafeteria and noticed Evan sitting at a table in the far right corner. He was alone, and Connor took that as a sign to go sit with him. If it’s just Evan that he’s dealing with, then he might be able to handle it.

When he arrived at Evans table the small boy looked up in shock.

“H-hi Connor!” Evan stared at him with wide eyes, blushing over his bagged lunch.

“Hey… Can I sit here?” This was pretty awkward, they’d never had a conversation outside of the theater that ended nicely, maybe this was a mistake-

“Sure, uh, yeah!” He flashed a somewhat excited smile at the taller boy, and Connor sat down.

“Cool.”

They sat awkwardly for a few moments before a booming voice entered his ear drums.

“ _Connor?_ What brings you out of your cave?” Jared Kleinman was now sat next to him with a tray of food and moved to sling an arm around Connor, giving him a sarcastic grin.

“Don’t make it weird, Kleinman.” Connor shrugged Jareds’ shoulder off, side eyeing him.

“Hey… Connor…” Zoe said, joining them with her own tray.

“Oh wow! I’m so glad you’re joining us!” The next voice came from Alana Beck, who was making herself comfortable next to Zoe.

This suddenly felt like a horribly stupid idea, there were way too many people and Connor was bound to explode soon-

“Connor? Do you have a lunch?” Blue eyes stared back at his inquisitively.

“Oh, I guess I left it In the auditorium, fuck.” He didn’t even think about grabbing his lunch, the idea of coming here in the first place took up most of his thoughts.

“Here, uh, have half of my sandwich.” Evan slid over a baggie with half a turkey sandwich in it. Connor took it gingerly.

“Wow love sure is in bloom huh!” Jared smirked at the two of them.

“Jared shut up.” Alana shot back, which suprised most of the table.

“So Evan…” Jared continued, ignoring Alana, “When are you gonna decide to actually learn the dance moves you’ve been practicing for two weeks?” he asked teasingly.

Evan’s face turned red as he curled in on himself, obviously uncomfortable.

“Uh- I, um…”

“Kleinman- how the fucks your sound design going?” Connor replied. “I gotta say, your soundboard does look pretty nice with the layer of dust settling on it, but maybe it’s time to actually do your job instead of sitting in on dance rehearsals huh?” He took a bite out of Evans sandwich, smiling at the other boy.

“You’d know how it was going if you ever showed up to a rehearsal” Jared’s light tone had dropped a little, obviously annoyed with Connor.

“Hey, um, let’s change the subject?” Evan said meekly.

“Great idea Evan,” Alana cut in, “Did I tell you guys about the fundraiser the chess club is having this weekend at Cold Stones?”

Alana rattled off about her club and the benefits this money would do for it, but Connor tuned her out pretty quickly. He glanced over at Evan who was eyeing him with a thoughtful expression, and he shot back what he hoped was a thankful smile as he took another bite of the sandwich.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and leave Kudos to save a life xx
> 
> I'm sick of reading this over and over so tell me if you see anything I could improve!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys work some stuff out.
> 
> Warning: Very brief mention of attempted suicide in this chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why do I post at the most random times lol 
> 
> Also sorry this chapter is a little shorter than the rest have been!

“Uh don’t take this the wrong way, but why did you audition for this in the first place?”

Connor and Evan were sitting up in the lighting and sound booth. They had gone up there under the guise of practicing lines, though they had quickly become tired of that, and were now just… talking. It was strange to Connor, how simple Evan was to be around. He never felt like he had to put up a front.

“U-uh, why? I don’t seem like the perfect fit for a lead role?” Evan half-joked.

Evan was sitting on the run down couch that was shoved in the corner of the booth, with his script now untouched at his side. Connor was sitting in an office chair with his feet propped up on his board, a little thrown off by the somewhat self-deprecating joke. Maybe Evan was getting more comfortable with him?

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I can’t really imagine you In front of an audience,” Connor stated.

Evan laughed lightly and rubbed at his neck.

“Um yeah… It took some convincing from, uh, multiple parties? B-but I don’t hate it?” He said the sentence very unsure of himself.

“How is it working on stage with my fucking sister?” Connor asked, smirking.

Evan rubbed his face, trying to keep his apparent blush at bay.

“S-he’s uh- she’s g-great! I’m r-really enjoying, um, w-working with her!”

Connor looked at the boy skeptically.

“Why are you freaking out all of a sudden? You got a crush on her or something?” He asked jokingly.

“Um n-no I… um I-“ Evan was now a deep shade of red, shaking his head and looking at his shoes.

“…You do.” Connor’s smile dropped.

“Um s-sorry I-“

“This is so fucking priceless _. Of course_ , you have the hots for my sister. That’s the only reason you’re talking to me, Isn’t it?” He could tell he was freaking out Evan, but in that moment he didn’t really care.

“ _No! no, I p-promise-“_ Evan squeezed his eyes shut. _  
_

“She’s dating Alana you dumbass. She doesn’t _want_ you!” Connor was starting to see red.

“I-I- I _know she doesn’t_ I uh-“ Evan’s voice was getting shakier, and he thought he might be about to cry.

“You know what _fuck this_.” He needed to get out of there. Connor got up quickly, leaving Evan as a mess on the couch as he stormed off to his car.

 

________________________________

 

Evan heard Connor slam the door to the booth from the ball he was now curled in to on the couch, shaking slightly and his breathing ragged. He’d messed everything up. How could he have been so _stupid?_ Now Connor hated him, and he was going to tell _Zoe_ , and she’d hate him, and tell Alana _,_ who will probably kick him out of the musical, and Jared’s probably going to go back to talking to him briefly every other day for his car insurance and _everything was over._ He had a good few weeks of “having friends” but that was out the window. In reality, did he really expect this to last?

He lied there until his breathing evened out and was hit with a wave of exhaustion. For a moment it outweighed his gnawing anxiety over the situation and he closed his eyes.

He was woken up an unknown time later by a buzz from his phone. He jumped up, realizing he had fallen asleep, and noticed the text was from Zoe.

 

Zoe [3:40pm]: Hey Evan! Where are you? You coming to rehearsal today?

 

Shit. _Shitshitshitshitshit._ He was late for rehearsal; he fell asleep in the freaking booth all alone what a _weirdo._ What was he doing there? Where was Connor?

The thought of the curly haired boy brought back the memories of their fight, and Evan sunk back into himself. Right.

He guessed showing up late for rehearsal was better than not showing up at all, so Evan smoothed down his hair and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes before heading to the door.

He could see the rest of the cast on the stage with Mr. Clarke, and he made his way through the audience to the steps of the stage before he was noticed.

“Hey Evan, glad you could join us!” Jared called sarcastically from where he was watching the stage with Alana.

“Jared, you’re late like every day.” Zoe shot back from the stage, then turned to Evan with a warm smile. He guessed Connor hadn’t talked to her yet. 

“Evan, we were just about to do a run through of the first scene! You’re here just in time.” She gestured for him to join them on stage, and he moved on autopilot.

His mind was still not in the right place after the events earlier, and it showed throughout the rehearsal. Instead of the usual high strung, stuttered acting Evan seemed to produce, he was now more withdrawn and disconnected from the scene.

Alana called for a five-minute break and he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Evan, are you alright?” She looked at him with sympathy, and Evan felt bile rise up in his throat.

“Um, Y-yeah Zoe, I’m f-fine…” He stuttered out, unable to maintain eye contact.

“You’ve just been acting a little down today, did something happen? Connor didn’t do something stupid did he?” Her voice took on a hint of anger at the end, and Evan quickly shook his head.

“N-no it isn’t Connor’s fault.” She’d soon find out what a creep he is, so why drag Connor down with him? “I, uh, I upset him. It was on me.” 

Zoe looked surprised at that.

“Well… whatever it was, I’m sure it’s not a big deal.” She smiled reassuringly.

“Th-thanks…” Evan obviously didn’t _believe her_ , but he really didn’t want to be having this conversation anymore.

“No really-“

“Okay! Places people!” Alana’s voice rung out, and Evan scurried away from Zoe into his position.

Evan spent the rest of the rehearsal closed off, and at the end, he practically ran out of the school to avoid another chat with the girl. He felt too guilty talking to her knowing she’d hate him by the next day.

Walking home Evan replayed his conversation with Connor over and over in his head. Connor had looked so angry, but thinking back, he also looked _hurt._ Evan supposed he probably should be more worried about Zoe’s reaction to all this, or the fact that he learned she was in a relationship, but right now he couldn’t get past the expression he had seen on Connors' face.

When he finally got home he headed straight to his room, shut his blinds, and attempted to drown out his racing thoughts into sleep.

 

________________________________

 

Evan woke up the next morning already ready for the day to be over so he can return to his bed. He didn’t even open his backpack last night, which typically would send him into a panic, but at six in the morning with a foggy brain and bleary eyes, Evan didn’t even think twice about it.

He had an extremely restless night, waking up multiple times to freak out about his situation with Connor. Only after he had worked himself up enough to be tired again did he fall back asleep and the cyle restarted. This left Evan with a half formed brain in his home room, finally opening his planner and looking at the day ahead of him.

His heart stopped when his eyes trained on his French period, where written there and circled multiple times were the words “Presentation Today!!!!” 

He looked at the page in horror for a few seconds before the bell rang and kids started packing up their stuff and leaving the classroom. He had _completely_ forgotten about his presentation. French was right after his next period.

_Shit._

He walked numbly to his next class, history, and sighed with relief when he saw the dimmed lights and title sequence of a documentary illuminated on the board. He could use the movie period to work on his presentation, and _maybe_ it wouldn’t totally blow up in his face.

He found his seat and took out his French folder, though with the darkened lighting it was hard to make out anything. He squinted and attempted to focus all his energy on comprehending what he was supposed to present, when he heard a throat clear behind him.

Evan whipped around to see his history teacher, Mrs. Harris, standing there with a scowl on her face.

“Can you please not work on other assignments during my class young man?” She asked sternly, and Evan heard a few students snicker at him from their seats.

Evan stuttered out an apology and shoved the folder back into his backpack. As the rest of the period progressed, Evan attempted to remember as much about the content of his presentation as he could in his brain, but with the droning of the documentary and the embarrassing encounter with his teacher already under his belt, everything was getting muddled in his mind. He tapped his foot rhythmically trying not to freak out, but the reality of his situation was making that very task very difficult. Too quickly the bell was ringing again and it was time for Evan to go to French.

He sat in his seat frozen for a few moments until everyone else had left and new kids had started filtering in for their next class. Evan finally propelled himself out of his seat and into the hall. This was not good, He didn’t have time to prepare, _he had nothing to say, everyone was going to laugh at him_.

His vision blurred and his heartbeat sped up as his eyes darted around the hall. It was full of kids weaving in and out of classrooms and through each other to get past. Every movement was heightened for Evan, and he could feel imaginary stares from his peers crashing down on his skull.

He needed to _leave_ , but he knew the bathrooms were sure to be crowded right now, and he’d already been to the nurse this week after a particularly stressful math test, and it wasn’t like he could just walk out the front door. Evan rounded the corner and spotted the doors to the auditorium. That will have to do. Everyone was on their way to class right now so Evan could be alone to ride his panic attack out.

He burst through the double doors and crumpled to the floor behind the last row of seats in the orchestra. Dry sobs wracked his body and he curled into himself as small as his body would allow.

He was so _stupid._ A waste of space. Now he was going to fail out of school because he couldn’t handle one freaking presentation. His face felt hot and his throat was closing up when he heard an unsure voice to his right.

“…Evan?”

He squeezed his eyes tighter at the voice. Oh god, that’s definitely Connor, what was he doing here? Now he’s going to see what a mess Evan is and be even more disgusted with him.

Suddenly a hand was on the small of his back and he quickly flinched away from it.

“I’m, uh, not gonna hurt you…” Connors' voice was awkward and unsure.

God, he was so pathetic, he was making Connor uncomfortable, everything about this situation sucked.

“ _Sorry I’m s-sorry. sorrysorrysorry”_ He ran his hands roughly through his hair, ignoring the hot tears still spilling down his face.

“I’ll- uh, I’ll leave, _sorry.”_ His heart was still racing, where would he go? He was trapped. Maybe there was a janitors closet or something near he could hide in.

“Woah woah woah, you don’t have to go anywhere. What’s up?”

He looked up from his knees and finally locked eyes with Connor. Expecting to see eyes filled with hatred and disgust, he was left speechless when he saw how scared Connor looked.

“Shit, uh, what happened?” Connor was kneeling next to Evan, his hand still reaching out but not quite touching the boy.

Evan tried to focus on not hyperventilating. Inhale. Wait a few seconds. Exhale. He repeated this a few moments until his breathing leveled out into an almost normal level.

“I uh I f-forgot I had a presentation and p-panicked.” Evan couldn’t stop the quiver in his voice, but the stream of tears seemed to be calming down if only a little.  

“W-wh-what are y-you doing here?” He continued, trying to compose himself.

“I’m skipping class," Connor replied easily. "It’s a thing I do.” He shrugged.

Evan thought to himself that it was something Connor hadn’t really been doing lately, at least in the classes they shared, but he obviously wasn’t going to voice that.

“Uh, w-well” He let out a shaky sigh, “I guess, um, I am too?” He rubbed at his eyes.

“You don’t seem the type to skip.” Connor smiled a little at him.

“I –uh, I’m s-sorry.” The guilt of being near Connor was getting to him.

“Why are you sorry?” Connor asked, his brow furrowing slightly.

“I’m s-sorry about the whole Z-Zoe thing.” He felt a blush rise on his face.

“Don’t worry about that,” Connor stated blatantly, though his voice had gotten a little stiff. “…I freaked for no reason. You can have a crush on whoever you want.”

“U-um you just…” Evan needed Connor to know how bad he felt about this. “I’m r-really sorry if I upset you.”

“I shouldn’t have blown up.” Connor shrugged, “That’s also a thing I do.”

“Th-that’s… okay…” Evan wasn’t sure how to proceed, he didn’t really think he’d get this far.

“Shit uh… look, remember in the beginning of the year? When I stole your letter?”

Evan blushed again but nodded. He’d finally calmed down decently, but the mention of that interaction sent another wave of anxiety through him.

“Well, you mentioned Zoe in that and I guess, well, I guess the confirmation that you like her brought up memories from that day… “

Connor seemed uncomfortable talking about this.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to t-talk about it.” He forced himself to meet Connors' eyes, but the long haired boy seemed determined to continue.

“Uh, I feel like I owe you an explanation anyway. I was an asshole to you.” Now it was Connor that was avoiding eye contact.

“You weren’t-“ Evan started.

“-No, no, I was.” He ran a hand through his tangled locks. “I was in a bad place. I’m still not in a _great_ place, but that uh, that day was particularly bad.”

Evan noticed he was picking at his black nail polish.

“W-what do you mean?” Evan asked hesitantly.

“I tried to kill myself.” Connors words came out in a rush.

Evan didn’t know what to say. He stared wide eyed at the other boy.

“Wow shit uh, that was probably a lot to throw at you. _Fuck,_ and you just got done freaking out, I’m really shitty at this, just- I’m getting better. I am. But sometimes when old memories get dug up I revert to some not so healthy tendencies and I’m sorry I took that out on you.”

Evan still couldn’t speak, but his body decided to do the talking for him when he felt himself lean over and wrap his arms around Connor.

The hug was admittedly awkward, sitting on the hard carpeted floors of the auditorium. He sort-of hung on to Connor for a few seconds, and just when he was about to pull away and apologize profusely, he felt two arms settle on his back, squeezing slightly.

He held on to Connor for a few more moments when the bell rang out and the two separated.

“That’s the lunch bell, if you want to head out.” Connor said, looking a little… disappointed?

“Um… Do you mind if we just stay here for a bit?” Evan didn’t feel like interacting with anyone else for at least another half an hour.

“Nah, that’s fine.” Connor smiled at him. “Let’s go chill in the booth, I’ll show you some cue’s I’ve been working on.”

Connor stood and held a hand out for Evan to stand up, who took it gratefully and followed him to the back of the theater.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments & Kudos will earn my love and adoration


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor deals with feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow uh... remember me? 
> 
> Sorry this took so dang long to get done, life got in the way, unfortunately, but honestly thank you all so much for all the feedback I've gotten! Over 1000 hits are you kidding?
> 
> I'm also starting back at school next week so I can't guarantee I'll be any better at updates in the future, sorry. I'm trying and I really like this fic but sometimes other stuff comes first. 
> 
> In more exciting news I just saw DEH last week and!!! It was amazing!!! Ben wasn't there which was sad but Micheal Lee Brown was incredible and I'm full of love for this show.

“Wait are you serious? You still haven’t heard Evan sing!?”

Connor was leaning against his bed across from Zoe and Alana, who were sitting at the foot of his bed. Both of whom were now staring at him in a state of shock.

Alana had come into his room to “discuss lighting cues,” however Zoe had followed right behind her, and the conversation quickly diverted into other topics. Connor didn’t mind too much; he was secretly grateful for the time with his sister. Their relationship can still be rocky at times, and to be having a normal conversation where he doesn’t feel like the freak older brother is still new ground for the two of them.

Granted, these two girls are classic gossips, and Connor should have guessed that naturally, the conversation would shift to his newfound friendship with the lead of the musical.

“It’s not like he fucking sings to me when we’re hanging out!” Connor defended, “It’s really not a big deal...” Connor’s face betrayed his dismissive words, now sporting a shade of pink.

“Um, it most definitely _is_ a big deal, because he has the most beautiful voice I’ve ever heard and you’re being deprived of it!” Zoe shot back at him.

“Okay don’t be dramatic.” Connor deadpanned.

“While Zoe _can_ lean towards dramatics,” Alana received a light shove at that, “-She’s really not exaggerating. I still can’t comprehend how a boy who’s so shy can have such a powerful singing voice, but somehow Evan breaks the mold.” She stated confidently.

Connor shifted uncomfortably.

“… Whatever, I don’t stay for rehearsals so when would I even have had the chance to hear him?” He wished they’d drop the subject.

As much as these two praised Evan’s talent, a big part of him still couldn’t believe the boy he’s gotten to know could have the confidence to perform decently. That sounded harsh, but Connor wasn’t one to sugarcoat things.

Part of him was also afraid that once he did hear the boy stumble through a song then Connor would just group him with the rest of the tone deaf actors that he despises.

“You should really start attending the rehearsals.” Alana chided him, “Things are beginning to pick up and you need to know the context of the show to influence your lighting!”

“Yeah, whatever.” He rolled his eyes, really not wanting a lecture from the smaller girl.

“Just stay for rehearsal tomorrow,” Zoe suggested. “You’ll make Alana happy and you can see Evan sing like a god.” She smiled confidently.

“Yeah, uh, sure. Now can we change the subject?” Connor relented irritably.

He wasn’t _actually_ planning on staying, but saying as much was enough to please the two in front of him.

________________________________

 

Evan made his way to the auditorium after his last class. The anxiety of the situation was now almost nonexistent as he could expect Connor to be there to keep him company. The two have been spending the hour before each rehearsal together these past few weeks, and Evan had grown somewhat comfortable around the boy. It was surprising, how a blunt and closed off guy like Connor could make Evan comfortable in such a short amount of time. It just… came easily to them.

He opened the doors to the theater and to his surprise the long haired boy was nowhere to be found. That was strange. Connor was always here before Evan, sometimes spending the majority of his day here and foregoing his classes, so It was odd to be greeted with an empty auditorium. He even made sure to check in the booth and poked his head backstage before accepting the fact that Connor simply wasn’t there.

He sat on the lip of the stage and worried his fingers for a few moments. He was at a bit of a loss now. Over the past few weeks Connor had become a welcome distraction from all the stresses of rehearsals, and now without anything to quell his brain Evan was understandably getting antsy.

Out of the corner of his eye, he spied the large piano sitting upstage to the left of him. He supposed he might as well use this time to practice a bit. If anything it might quiet his mind.

Evan walked over to the piano and ran his fingers over the keys. Making himself comfortable in his seat, he took a long breath and began playing a familiar tune.

Evan eventually closed his eyes, letting himself get lost in the song.

 

_“Where I go… When I go there… No more memory anymore.”_

 

He didn’t notice the door opening in the back of the auditorium.

________________________________

 

Connor was in a bad mood. He was held up in his last period by his math teacher about a quiz he had missed, which was just another reminder of how much of a failure he is. He obviously wasn’t going to amount to much after high school, so why bother keeping up appearances now? He wouldn’t let himself admit it, but while walking to the auditorium all Connor could think about was how relieved he’ll be to see Evan.

He burst through the double doors and was about to call out to the blonde when he was stopped dead in his tracks by a voice.

A voice that was singing.

 _Evan’s_ voice that was singing.

Connor could barely make out Evan sitting at the piano on the stage, but his voice was unmistakably him, and similarly unmistakably _amazing._

_“Only hymns upon your lips,_

_A mystic wisdom washing with them to shore.”_

 

Evan… didn’t sound like the typical high school lead. His voice carried so much emotion and it was full and _beautiful_. Yeah, that was probably the best way to describe it.

 

“ _Touch me, just like that,_

_And that, oh yeah, now that’s heaven._

_Now that I like, God, that’s so nice_

_Now lower down where the figs lie”_

 

Connor felt his face heat up at the lyrics, and his feet betrayed him as he moved closer to the unknowing boy. He held his breath, afraid to make himself known and cause Evan to stop. He stood to the side of the stage and all he could do is stare.

 

_“Where I go when I go there,_

_No more weeping anymore._

_Only in and out your lips;_

_the broken wishes, washing with them, to shore.”_

Evan’s eyes were closed and his brow was slightly furrowed as he sang. Connor couldn’t look away.

Shit. Evan Hansen looked breath-taking and Connor was _fucked._

_“We'll wander down, where the winds sigh..._

_Where the winds sigh..._

_Where the winds sigh...”_

 

All too soon Evan finished his song and slowly opened his eyes, immediately darting over to make direct eye contact with Connor’s. Evan jumped out of his skin at the sight of him, toppling back off the bench he was on.

“Oof!” Evan made a soft thud as he hit the stage floor.

“Shit, sorry” Connor quickly rushed to Evan’s side to help him off the ground.

“C-Connor h-hey! Uh- s-sorry I didn’t know you were here, uh, s-sorry.” Evan’s face was bright red and looking everywhere but at him.

“It’s fine. You’re, uh, you’re fine.” Fuck, now he was the one stumbling over his words.

“I-um, s-sorry. You weren’t here so I was just warming up?” He still wasn’t looking at Connor.

“Yeah… uh, I heard.” Connor’s face was still uncomfortably warm, “That was… you’re uh, you’re good.”

“Th-thanks…” Evan finally looked up at him, his eyes shining.

“I… I gotta go.” Connor blurted out.

“What?” Evan peered at him quizzically.

“I just, uh, I have a lot of work to catch up on today...-cause I was late!” He rubbed the back of his neck, walking backward towards the stairs. “Yeah, uh, I’m just gonna go... do that. See you.”  

He half-tripped on his feet as he scrambled off the stage.

“Um… Bye?” Evan replied somewhat meekly to the air Connor once filled.

________________________________

 

Connor locked himself in the booth for the rest of the time there was before rehearsal. He rubbed his eyes and cursed himself for acting so flustered. It really didn’t fit his image to be blushing and stumbling over an actor of all things.

He watched as kids slowly began trickling into the auditorium from where he sat in the booth. Zoe and Alana had just arrived and headed over to Evan to chat amicably with. Evan seemed so much more at ease than he had just a mere few weeks ago. Sure, he was still fidgeting and seemed a bit unsure of himself, but his smile reached his eyes as he spoke with the two girls, and he was actually contributing to the conversation rather than watching from the side lines.

Maybe Connor should stop staring.

Rehearsal was about to start and at this point, Connor would usually be halfway to his car, but something inside of him didn’t want to leave. It could be Zoe’s voice in his head asking him to stay, but realistically the thought of possibly hearing Evan sing again is probably the most convincing factor.

Once all the actors were up on stage Connor slipped out of the booth and down the aisle about halfway before ducking into the row and taking a seat.

The rehearsal was… interesting. They began by practicing the number ‘Grease Lightning’, and Connor had to admit that hearing Evan’s voice the first time hadn’t been a fluke, he really was amazing. Yeah, granted, coupled with the ridiculous choreography and the rest of the cast’s off tune back up it lost a bit of its luster, but even so, all his attention was still trained on the blond. It wasn’t until Mr. Clarke called for a break that Connor realized he probably looked pretty stupid sitting here mooning over this kid when he’s never shown up for a single other rehearsal.

“Hey-o Connor! My man! What brings you ‘round these parts?”

Connor turned to glare at Jared Kleinman as he shoved himself next to Connor and met his stare with a Chesire grin.

“Fuck off, Alana asked me to come.”

“Oh, so you weren’t sitting here making eyes at Evan? Could’ve fooled me.” Jared replied, the comically wide grin still in tact.

“I wasn’t- God, just leave me alone.” Why was he blushing so much today?

“At a loss for words? Now that’s a first. Bye bucko.” Jared stood up and ruffled Connors hair only to be slapped away.

 _Bucko?_  Connor grumbled in his seat as Jared retreated and rehearsal picked back up again.

The rest of rehearsal went by pretty quickly, practicing random scenes and a few dance sequences. As much as he told himself he was taking in the whole show to get an idea for the lighting, the harsh reality was that his eyes never left Evan.

This could turn out to be a problem.

 

________________________________

 

 When rehearsal finally ended Connor was almost about to make a quiet escape before his eyes accidentally met Evan’s and the smaller boy perked up with excitement. There goes that plan.

He walked up towards the stage and was met face to face with a pleased looking Alana Beck.

“Connor! You actually stayed! Oh, I’m so glad, now you can really get a feel for the musical for your lighting, I really think it’s coming into its own. Can I expect you at every rehearsal now? Oh, do you even have a script? Things are picking up and before you know it tech week will be upon us!” She was talking a mile a minute and it was rattling Connors' brain. He grabbed her shoulders to silence her.

“’Lana. Chill.” He said sternly.

“Oh, right, yeah. Well, I’m glad you’re finally making time for rehearsals!”

She bounced off to join Zoe in heading out to the parking lot. A few feet from where she was standing Evan was hanging back, glancing over at Connor with a small, unsure smile.

“Uh, hey Hansen.” His face didn’t feel quite as red as it did early and Connor counted that as a victory.

“H-hey Connor, you stayed for rehearsal!” Evan smiled brightly at him and Connors heart may have stuttered.

“Yeah, uh, good job, now let’s get out of this shit hole.” He pushed past Evan towards the exit and heard the boy shuffle to catch up with him.

Once they got to the senior parking lot Connor mumbled a quick goodbye to Evan as he started walking to his car, and almost didn’t notice Evan walking away from the lot until he heard Alana’s voice ring out.

“Evan! Hey! Are you walking home?” Alana’s voice could be heard clearly across the small lot. “It’s about to be dark that’s not safe!”

Connor turned back around to see an uncomfortable Evan walking back to Alana and fiddling with his backpack straps.

“Uh I’m- I’m used to it. It's f-fine really!” Even from the small distance Connor was at, he could tell Evan was getting anxious.

“Nonsense, Zoe and I were going to my house for a bit, but we would gladly drop you off on our way, are you near Pine Point?” Alana asked politely.

“N-no don’t worry really, I’m- uh, I’m the other direction, and you guys are hanging out I don’t want to impose i-it’s ok.” Evan was curling into himself, and Connor moved closer to assess the situation.

“It’s not an imposition at all!” Alana barked loudly, “It’s totally fine If it’s out of the way-“

“I’ll drive you.” Connor blurted, surprising himself.

“Wh-what?!” Evan turned to him in shock, not realizing he had come back.

“What?” Zoe repeated, leaving Connor even more uncomfortable with the situation.

“Uh, I’ll drive you. I’m not doing anything and you’re probably on my way. It’s fine.” He was consciously only keeping his eyes on Evan, not wanting to indulge the searching eyes his sister and Alana were giving him.

“No- that’s okay-“ the wide eyed boy started.

“Evan, just get in the car.” Connor cut in, almost sounding annoyed.

“O-Okay…” Evan blushed.

Connor retreated to his car with Evan on his tail and ignored the pointed looks he was undoubtedly receiving from the two girls.

The ride was uncomfortable, with very little talking. Evan actually didn’t live out of the way at all though, and they soon arrived at his house.

“Well, Um, th-thanks again for the ride.” Evan said, tugging on the hem of his shirt.

“No problem, you’re literally right on the way to my house.” Connor admitted.

“C-cool.” Another awkward pause. “Um, Connor?”

“Yeah?” He felt his pulse quicken, if only a little.

“Why did you stay today?” Evan asked, looking up at him confused.

Connor felt his cheeks rebel against him once more as he cleared his throat.

“Uh… I’ll probably stay from here on out. Get familiar with the musical and all that.” Connor gestured vaguely.

“Oh, well cool.” Evan smiled. “See you tomorrow then?”

“Yeah, uh, bye Evan.” He gave a sort of half smile before Evan shut the car door and headed inside his house.

Connor let out a deep sigh before pulling out of Evan’s drive way.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLNpozSm-as ur welcome B)
> 
> I hope you liked this mostly Connor-centric chapter!
> 
> Comment and leave Kudo's and I'll cry probably

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked this it might be trash but who knows!! Kudos and Comments fuel me xo I'll try to update as regularly as I can! I already have most of this fic planned out lmao
> 
> Also, If you haven't seen Ben Platt perform Flight on youtube do yourself a favor and watch it, it'll change your life. (The video is from when he was a senior in hs too!!) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpSD_TAK7vQ


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